Case Studies

Today was finally the day of the highly anticipated skydive. It was an early start as I had to get to Salisbury for 8am.

6am – wake up, shower dress etc cup off coffee then

7am – set off for the airfield.

8am arrived at the airfield, which happens to be the home of the world renowned’Red Devil’s’ parachute display team.

Training for the jump takes place as soon as the guys have a chance to fit you in and involves all of the positions that you need to adopt during to flight and throughout the jump.

You then wait around until you’re called to the hangar to ‘hear up’ approximately 20minutes before your jump time.

Luckily for me I have now taken part in several jumps and don’t suffer from nerves at all, although I did spend the entire morning ‘winding up’ my wife about things going wrong haha.

Once in the harness, you wait outside in the area fenced off for jumpers only, watching all the others go before you and enjoying the banter with your instructor, most of whom are active members of the army parachute display team or the Red Devils team.

Finally time to board the aircraft, which is a small Cessna craft with all seats and adornments removed, where you sit on the floor between the instructors legs with the next person between your legs etc in a chain throughout the plane.

Take off is a little bumpy, as it’s a grass airfield, but boarding to take off takes less than 5 minutes and then the climb to altitude begins, at this point connected to your instructor who is also connected to the plane.

The plane quickly climbs through 7000ft, 8000ft, 9000ft, at which point the instructor now tightens all of the straps and readies everything for the ‘go’.

Around 13000 to 14000ft, the plane engine noise changes and plane levels off, at this point you get the ‘Red light’ meaning the jump is a go and door can be opened, the door is literally a roll up Perspex affair.

Once the door is up, the people closest to the door make their way to the edge, get the final ‘go’, and they’re off, out the door and disappear! Then it’s my turn! With the instructor making his way to the very edge of the door, at this point I’m hanging outside of the plane, into position and ‘go’!!

We’re out and looking down, 2.5miles straight down, rapidly accelerating to 125mph in free fall for approximately 60 seconds and then, SNAP!!! The main canopy is deployed and suddenly everything slows down and becomes much calmer and you can start to take notice of everything around, below you. Today was an extremely clear day and visibility was so clear that you can actually see the Isle of Wight, which is 50 miles away!

5-6 minutes under the canopy, with the instructor helping you to ‘fly the chute’ and it’s suddenly time to land. The call ‘legs up, legs up legs up’ and the ground meets you at roughly 40mph, the instructor really proving their skill as they slide you to a halt.

After a short walk back to the hanger, ‘de-rig’, thank your new best buddy and drive home, exhausted after the adrenaline crash hahaha

It has been my absolute pleasure to take part in this event, helping to raise funds for this wonderfully deserving charity, supporting the invaluable work they do.

When my partner went back to work after paternity leave, my mental health spiralled further, and I often would spend my days sobbing on the sofa while Milo cried, feeling like the worst mum in the world. Yet I didn’t tell anyone how much I struggled – I thought if I did, I’d be judged as a bad mum. Everything came to a head at Christmas when I started getting suicidal thoughts. Thankfully that day I was referred to my local perinatal mental health team, and over time I began to realise I have an amazing bond with Milo and that I am a good mum to him! After those early days and months of awful thoughts, I can happily say that I LOVE being a mum now! Milo is the best thing to ever happen to me – we always had a bond, I just couldn’t see it through the fog of PND. In my lowest moment, my doctor said to me “this will get better”. I was so depressed that I didn’t believe her. But I can honestly say that it really DOES get better.

Being a new parent is exhausting, so mentally challenging and a rollercoaster of highs and lows, but I wouldn’t change what I have with Milo for anythingAs soon as I was diagnosed with PND, I decided to be open about it as the more we talk about mental health, the more people will feel confident to speak out when times feel tough. The support which PANDAS give to new parents struggling with mental health issues is amazing. Just having someone there to talk to, and who knows what it feels like, is a lifeline. 

So that’s why I’ve decided to do the National Three Peaks challenge for PANDAS, knowing that the money I raise will help other mums and dads who are struggling with their mental health. A friend said to me, “I know it wasn’t easy so this will be a walk in the park for you – enjoy it.” I hope she is right! After being diagnosed with severe PND, where I was left feeling like I had no other option but to not be here anymore, to overcoming this and loving my life as a mum to my gorgeous son, I am hoping that the Three Peaks will feel like a breeze. We shall see!

Prior to becoming a Mum, I was pretty naive. I had high expectations of myself as a Mum and I was confident in my ability; so confident in fact it was bordering on arrogance. I know now that I was pretty clueless about the whole thing

Other than the usual first trimester nausea and sickness, the physical aspect of my pregnancy was very healthy and very textbook. I walked around 10,000 steps each day and I finished work at 39 weeks pregnant. Unfortunately, my mental health wasn’t as healthy; my anxiety had increased during my pregnancy to a level where I would be constantly worrying about everything. I’d worry that there was something wrong with the baby. I’d worry that Andy would leave me. I’d worry that I looked far too big for how many weeks pregnant I was. At my regular midwife appointments, I saw the same midwife a few times but often it would be someone different for each appointment. I remember being about 16 weeks and although the 12-week scan had been fine it felt a long time until next scan. I hadn’t felt the baby kick at this stage, and I was so worried that I would get to the 20-week scan and the baby will have died. I mentioned how anxious I was to the midwife and her reply was “If you’re worried now, how will you be when the baby is here?!” I felt so upset that she had dismissed my genuine worries that I decided not to mention my mental health at any further appointments.

After 22 hours of labour, 12 of which in the hospital, I started bleeding alot. I suddenly found myself being whisked upstairs, hooked up the machines and drips feeling suddenly like I wasn’t in control of my body or what was happening to me. By this time, I was in absolute agony and begged for an epidural or a C section, and at one point, for them to kill me. I was told it was too late that she would be here sooner than it would take for them to arrange the epidural.

A few hours later, my waters broke, and they were worried about the amount of meconium and so more and more people came into the tiny room. One had the resuscitative ready for her arrival, bursting out of me like a baby superman. Despite my best efforts at trying to avoid a hospital stay, I was told we wouldn’t be allowed home for at least another 12 hours, and we were moved down to the ward.

12 hours turned to an overnight stay. The next day during her new-born checks, she failed her hearing test and they wanted to test her blood as she was jaundiced. They tested it and it was very high so they wanted to do another test in 6 hours’ time. And another. And another. Until suddenly it was another overnight stay with my tiny baby on the bilobed for 24 hours. I was only allowed to pick her up every 3 hours to change her happy, give her 30ml of formula and then put her back again. This is the part where it all starts to blur. I last had sleep on Tuesday night, and it was now Saturday. I was hallucinating. I was restless and I felt really, really depressed. I don’t think that I suffered birth trauma from the birth itself, it was from the post-natal ward.

I was in a terrible place after the birth. I just wanted to go home, and I thought that I would feel better once I was there. The early days at home are all a blur as I was struggling. This is where Andy really stepped up and tried to make everything as easy as possible for me. He sent me to bed early, he did the night feeds and he made sure I was fed. I could not have gotten through those early days without him and so when he went back to work after 2 weeks, I did not know what to do with myself. I could not stop crying. I felt terrified of this tiny baby. It was awful. I was counting down the hours until Andy would be home again and take over from me.

I found the PANDAS website during a search and realised that this may be why I was feeling the way I was. I felt relief that there was actually something wrong with me rather than that I was just ungrateful and a bad mother for not bonding with Lexi. The Speaking to your GP section was invaluable to me; the GP appointment checklist meant I could spend time writing out everything that I was feeling and could take it to my appointment knowing I wouldn’t forget anything. It gave me the confidence to go to see the GP and be honest about how I was feeling. I saw the most incredible and supportive GP and she told me that I wasn’t alone in feeling this way. I asked that I was prescribed antidepressants and overtime I slowly began to feel the cloud lift.

I have really struggled with my identity since becoming a Mum. I have felt a bit lost in my own life; like I don’t fit in with my Mum life but also that I don’t have a place in my old life either. It has been really challenging and it is only recently that I’ve realised that this is ok. I don’t have to fit in either place and I am feeling quite excited about finding a new path for myself (as terribly cheesy as this sounds!)

Being a Mum continues to surprise me; for example, I look at Lexi sometimes and I can’t believe I’m her Mum. I literally grew her, a real life human, from scratch and pushed her out of my body with the help of some gas and air. That blows my mind how incredible that is. Not everyone gets that gift and I do feel very thankful that I have experienced it.

My advice to a new Mum is don’t be afraid to ask for help and if friends or family offer any type of help, accept it. You have birthed that precious little bundle; sit back and relax. The world will still be there. Take your time, don’t feel like you should get back to anything. It takes a village is more than a catchy insta phrase.

I got pregnant with my daughter in December 2019, she was my first pregnancy. Minus the horrendous sickness that seemed to be morning and night, I felt good. Then, on the 12th January 2020, just over a month after finding out about the poppy sized person growing inside of me, this worldwide virus was all over the news. Covid 19. I worked at a hospital at the time in Medical Outpatients, and at first it was very much “Just like the flu” and nobody was worried, but I began with mild anxiety, which soon worsened I was so unwell and this intense fear of losing our baby soon hit me. I was googling miscarriage statistics, infection risks when pregnant, risk of still births. The stress didn’t take long to take hold at home, and I was very difficult to live with. I was going to work stressed and coming home stressed, and then Covid soon spread throughout our hospital. I had an early scan before the 12-week mark and we saw that our baby was perfectly fine, I however, was not. It was when I began cleaning obsessively for about 5 hours a day, that I realised something was off.

When I saw my midwife, she was fantastic and listened to my every word (Morven Douglas, if you’re reading this), and when I attended my 16-week check, my Midwife was away so I saw a stand in Midwife. I expressed my obsessive thoughts and anxiety, and she told me it was all normal, but I somehow felt that it wasn’t right. I spoke to my Midwife when she was back and she did a referral to perinatal, they got back to me at 20 weeks telling me that I did not meet their criteria.  This was when I reached out to PANDAS who listened to me whilst I sobbed at home riddled with anxiety, panic attacks and OCD. My doctor spoke to me and put me on medication but because I was consultant led at hospital, there were crossed wires and lots of miscommunication and nobody would see me. I began having intense feelings of abandonment and like I was going through it all alone. I joined PANDAS support group online and also rang up again and it felt nice to feel understood and to know I wasn’t a burden.

My Mental Health plummeted from 21 weeks when I had to shield due to working in the hospital. I am a very sociable person and I love being outside, so we went into lockdown, I completely shut down. I exercised obsessively, I wouldn’t eat due to the fear of infections and germs, I would constantly text my friends asking if I could eat XY&Z. I felt trapped in my own head, and it only got worse. The depression hit followed by the suicidal thoughts. How could I feel suicidal when I was carrying a baby that so many people wish for?

Fast forward to 37 weeks when I attended PAU with debilitating depression and anxiety along with reduced movements and a recurring kidney infection, they made the decision to induce me at 39 weeks. I was induced and all went well for the first two days. The baby was kicking away, I felt fine. Then by the early hours of the 26^th August I started having my epileptic seizures and feeling very sick. I had horrendous pains, and they made the decision to take me for a c-section. Grace was born at 11:11am weighing a good 8lbs 1oz. We named her Grace after the Midwife in PAU who gave me wonderful support and Mental Health line advice.

The section went well and I felt fine, other than feeling a bit light headed. But the first thing I remember is they handed Grace to me, announced she was a girl, put her in my arms and I felt nothing. “Is this it?” I said. The student midwife their said to me “You did it!” and the look of joy on his face was wonderful, I looked over my shoulder to my now ex Husband and I said “Where’s that rush?”. Where was that rush of love, they all talked about? I instantly had a rush of guilt for not feeling that famous emotion. And with an expectation of happiness, the reality of parenthood mixed with suffering from postnatal depression can be a hard one to accept, and this was what I struggled to grasp the most. That just because you ‘Should’ feel those fireworks and love, it doesn’t mean you will.

I felt so disconnected and so sore on the ward, that I couldn’t even get up to hold Grace and she’d just cry in the crib so I ended up having her on my breast for the whole night which then led to me not sleeping because I was scared I’d drop her. All of this led to me not being able to build a relationship and resenting my own baby for what had happened.

I was discharged the following day at 6:30pm, limping out of the ward pushing my baby in the crib, carrying our bags and notes alone due to staffing and the fact Dads were not allowed on the ward and they were all lined up outside as if they were at security in an airport. It was so sad. I screamed whilst we walked to the car as my feet were so swollen from not being able to get out of bed, that I had bursting blisters on my feet and ankles, I was passing clots as we walked, and I couldn’t stand straight. A Dr stopped us from another walk and offered to go find me a wheelchair so we could get out quicker, but there weren’t any. None of this was what I had envisioned.

I would constantly cry, be sick, not sleep. By day 7 I was telling my friend that I wanted to kill myself. I was having thoughts of accidentally hurting Grace, accidentally poisoning her. I was ignoring everyone’s messages, even family, Due to her being breastfed, I couldn’t pass her to anyone else to feed but she wouldn’t even accept a bottle, so it wasn’t an option. I detested feeding her, I wanted to run away. I expressed these thoughts to my wonderful Health Visitor, and she made a referral to a charity called Home start, just for some extra support. At our one-week post-natal check, I told the community midwife at the hospital how I felt and she told me it was baby blues and that it would pass. At the time Grace also screamed relentlessly and they told me she was picking up on my mood and that babies do cry anyway. I felt I was to blame for having an unhappy baby. But the crying was relentless, about 9 hours solidly a day. I couldn’t cope and I knew something wasn’t right.

I was back and forth to the Drs telling them how I was feeling, and they kept brushing it off telling me they would call me in a week to see how I was, but every week I was just getting worse. I was still bleeding, Grace was still screaming, and I was tired.

By 3 weeks post-partum, I wrote on Happy Mum Happy Baby on Facebook, crying for help. I was flooded with messages recommending PANDAS for post-natal depression support as well as overwhelming support on the group itself. That night, I looked at all my pills, I looked at Grace screaming, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I sobbed. I wanted to take my own life. The following day, I rang PANDAS again who advised I got immediate support in that moment but that they’d still be there with me. I rang 111 to tell them I couldn’t get Grace to stop screaming and that I was going to hurt one of us. They sent an ambulance, and we were taken in. I was on the ward for a week whilst they assessed me and Grace and put things in place. I was given a nursery nurse who came weekly. She was so, so nice and so loving and doted on Grace. She helped with bonding and just generally being there. I was still waiting to be seen by the NHS Consultants but having the voluntary help there was lovely. Whilst I was in hospital, I told them about the bleeding and it was put down to regular post-partum bleeding and they said Grace had reflux.

By 14 weeks, I suffered a huge haemorrhage and was rushed to hospital where they confirmed that I had retained products from the labour and was on the verge of infection as well as blood transfusion. I remember looking at the Dr in disbelief that nobody had listened to me for the 14 weeks that I was gradually passing the tissue. Grace was also shortly after diagnosed with a cow’s milk protein allergy, and after I began going dairy free under her dieticians advise, she became a very happy baby.

Luckily, during all of this, when I needed desperate help, PANDAS were truly there day and night. I had never heard of PANDAS, but I am so thankful to have got to know them. NHS Services need to develop a deeper understanding of the impact of poor mental health on mothers and Fathers and provide opportunities for parents to openly discuss parenting and mental health, in a judgement free environment, and PANDAS offer just that, for free.  They don’t have to do all of the things, but they do, and they save lives. They are so selfless and wonderful, and life changing. They were also there for me during the separation of myself and my Husband and it was incredible to hear how common separation is in couples who go through PND. I definitely got worse before I got better, and I was admitted to hospital a total of 6 times and tried 5 medications, Crisis team visited my house every day for 2 weeks, but PANDAS were there through all of the good and bad days and if my story can help just one other person out there, my work here is done. I am a different person now for the better. It is never too late to be what you might have been. I will also be leaping out of a plane on the 31^st December to skydive raising money for PANDAS – I want to be the change that we all wish to see in the world.

Thank you PANDAS

Trigger Warning – Traumatic Birth 

When I had my first son, I really struggled after having a difficult and traumatic birth. I was induced and all the medication was constantly making me sick. I had horrendous back pain. When my water broke, I was eventually taken through and started to push. Unfortunately, my cervix was swollen so I had to have an emergency c section.

My spine was punctured during the epidural which caused my left side to never become numb. When I was rushed in for an emergency c section, I could feel everything. In the end, they put me to sleep.

I wasn’t able to hold my baby for the first few days as there were so many complications with myself, which led to me not wanting to build a relationship and resenting my own baby for what had happened. I was told in Hospital that it was baby blues and it would get better but sadly, it never did. I felt I never got much aftercare and was discharged how as I was up and about.

I would constantly cry for no reason and would avoid doing anything with the baby. I didn’t even change a nappy or hold him.

I was back and forth hospital for blood patches and MRI scans as the epidural went wrong, as well as to get tramadol. There was 1 occasion where the pharmacist said I didn’t look well enough to have the tramadol, even though it was prescribed, and even ripped the prescription up in front of me after waiting 6 hours for it. This caused me to have a panic attack and breakdown as I felt like I just couldn’t cope anymore.

I was struggling with nightmares about my c section. I would avoid sleeping as the nightmares were really getting to me. Alongside this, I also suffer with PTSD and post natal depression following the birth.

It got to a point where I was debating whether to take my life as felt there was no reason for me to be here as I was a bad mum who couldn’t bond with her baby. There was an attempt but I never followed through.

I had been back and forth to my GP but was just given antidepressants. They never seemed to do anything but, made me feel numb. I felt I was being judged and worried that if I told them so much about how I am really feeling, they would get social services involved and I’d have my children taken off me.

Luckily, my boyfriend made me call PANDAS as it had got to a point where I needed desperate help. PANDAS were so reassuring and stayed on the phone to me for hours. They were the only ones I felt were listening to me and fully understood what I was going through and why. They made me feel like they really cared and wanted to help me get the help I needed. They never judged me, even when I was at my lowest telling them that I resented my own baby. They made me realise that I’m not the only one and the way i was feeling was normal, it just happens! Without them, I would have never sought help in the first place and probably wouldn’t be here now.

I cannot thank PANDAS enough for the amazing work they do. They really do save lives and I’ll forever be grateful!

*Stock image used*

I was determined to get through without medication. When pregnant with my second child I engaged in cognitive therapy, to help prevent PND from revealing its ugly head. My counsellor said that at that stage it was just the anxiety, not depression. Therapy helped with coping skills and becoming aware of triggers. 

Fast forward to two months ago, I’d been feeling down for quite some time. Working at the hospital through coronavirus (which was horrendous) didn’t help. Sometimes even with a brilliant group of close friends and family you feel that you can’t talk to anybody. 

On a recent night shift I sent an email to PANDAS. I wrote how desperate I was feeling and how as soon as I wake up, I just want to have a bath and go back to bed. That my partner was brilliant, but I felt like I was doing a terrible job. That I was snappy and constantly tired. That I live with the worry that something terrible will happen or that the kids will get some awful disease. I really did for the first time write down and acknowledge my feelings. I think because it’s sometimes easier to be honest with a stranger or outsider. A volunteer messaged me back, she was honest and caring and suggested that I may have depression and should go to my GP. I did. I feel so much better. 

She changed my entire outlook on life by being there to listen and provide non-judgemental comfort. 

I am doing March for PANDAS and walking 5k a day so that the next mum or dad who’s feeling so down has someone they can talk to 24/7 because without that you never know what could happen. It could change someone’s life. I feel so much happier now and it’s made such a difference to my kids, who I love so much. 

I injured my hip and had to have more rest days than I wanted. The biggest challenge for me was finding the fuel that was right for me and that didn’t make me very poorly afterwards! I had a few long runs where I had to spend the rest of the day in bed. It was at this point that I thought I couldn’t do it and I almost pulled out. I took a few days off training to think about things and recover, I did some research into different types of fuel that I could try (gels are not for me!) I finally found something that worked (Jelly Babies are amazing!) I was determined to complete the marathon, so I carried on with the training, but I still struggled to run further than 16 miles, this again made me doubt my ability to run the full 26.2 miles. But I decided to give it a go and try my best.

Marathon day came around very quickly and I was excited but very nervous. My friends had very kindly agreed to ride their bike alongside me for support and company, I couldn’t have done it without them. I started off slowly and the first 13 miles were very enjoyable. The few miles after this were more difficult and at 18 miles, I hit the wall! I had to walk for a little bit as my hip was very sore. The support of my friends, husband and my 2 boys, my sister and her family and my in laws helped me tremendously and encouraged me to keep going. I felt a massive wave of relief as we got to 23 miles because I knew that I could finish it. When the app on my phone told me that I had run 26.2 miles I couldn’t believe it. The miles had flown by and although it took me 5 hours 12 minutes, it had felt a lot quicker than that. Taking on this challenge helped me in so many ways. The training runs were my release and focus. Somewhere I could calm my racing mind and just concentrate on running, the scenery and whatever podcast I was listening to.

I think I will always want to run and I’m already thinking when the next marathon will be! I feel very proud that I completed it and that I raised money for such an amazing charity.

I suffered from post-natal depression after I gave birth to my first child. I had a set idea in my mind of how the birth was going to go, and how breastfeeding would go. I had suffered from anxiety for a few years before getting pregnant, so I was already high risk for developing PND or PNA.

I was young and very fit during my pregnancy. I continued to exercise all the way through, and all of the books tell you that if you stay fit in pregnancy, then the birth would be easier and shorter. I knew that I wanted a water birth, and everything to be as natural as possible. 

When I finally went into labour, 1 week overdue, from start to finish it lasted 2 and a half days! I was exhausted and ended up having an epidural to be able to sleep through the contractions. I then ended up having forceps because babies heart rate was dropping.  After he was born, I lost a lot of blood, and my iron was very low. I felt very poorly afterwards, but I thought that was normal as it was my first baby.

I tried my absolute best to breastfeed for the first 5 days. I remember feeling that enormous flood of guilt when the midwife said he had lost far too much weight, and that I must give formula top ups. I was devastated. I felt like a failure that not only couldn’t give birth properly, but now couldn’t even feed my son “properly”. I was so exhausted and poorly that we ended up giving him more and more formula because i could barely sit up and kept having feverish convulsions.  It turned out that I had developed an infection as well as having very low iron.

It took me over a year to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t manage to breastfeed for long enough. I even tried to re-lactate to try to get my milk back because I felt so guilty. I did not know about Pandas then, but I wish that I did. All I needed was for someone to sit me down and say, “This is not your fault”.

My first baby boy is now 7, extremely bright and a beautiful, kind, and caring boy. I wish I had a time machine so I could see that I was worrying over nothing. I like to think that Pandas help women with post birth/ breast feeding guilt everyday so that they can let go of all that guilt.

It was during my 2nd pregnancy that I first googled the term ‘antenatal depression’. During my first pregnancy I’d had really bad morning sickness. I felt ill 24/7. The only time I didn’t feel ill was when I was asleep and I even felt ill during the few moments when I drifted awake during the night. People kept telling me it would get better because pregnancy is a magical time when you feel wonderful and full of energy but that never happened. I think the excitement of my first pregnancy helped me get through the first few months but at the 20 week scan we were told that our baby had a large hole in her heart and would need surgery a few months after birth. 

During the next 12 months my husband and I changed our original wedding date, which would have been in the same month as our daughter’s heart surgery. We brought the wedding forward and we got married when I was 34 weeks pregnant. I was scheduled for an induction which was followed by a 20 hour labour and forceps delivery. My daughter was taken straight to the intensive care unit where she stayed for a week. Then there were endless appointments and check ups before she successfully had her heart surgery at five months old. When we started weaning her we discovered she had eczema, was allergic to eggs and dairy then she went on to develop a peanut allergy and carries an epipen. 

As I write all this I realise that I needed support. I needed someone to talk to but it wasn’t about me or how I was feeling. It was about whether I was doing what I was supposed to be doing in order to be a good mother. Was I applying enough cream for her eczema? Was I doing the milk ladder properly? Could I attend three appointments next week with three different specialists? It was all too much but it never occurred to me that I should be having some kind of support too. 

I got pregnant with baby no 2 when my eldest was 2. I had the same sickness as the first pregnancy but I was also struggling to look after a toddler who needed my constant attention. Again, I was supposed to be happy. My daughter’s heart problem had been dealt with, her eczema was under control and we were coping with her allergies. People don’t understand how morning sickness can affect your mental health. Knowing that you’re only 8 weeks pregnant and you have another 32 weeks of feeling the worst you’ve ever felt and still be expected to be a happy mum. Once I heard the term perinatal mental health I felt relieved. Women do feel depressed whilst they’re pregnant. It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful, it just means that pregnancy isn’t the magical experience that we’re lead to believe. 

My children are 5 and 2 now and it’s only now that I can look back and realise just how much I was struggling. I just wish I’d had someone who was there for me. Someone who could listen to me without immediately thinking how my thoughts or behaviour may affect my children. Someone who could listen to me as a person and not just as a mum. 

I wish to support The PaNDAS Foundation because I think it’s imperative that parents are given support. It was only after studying and qualifying as a counsellor that I was able to understand some of my own thought processes. Negative patterns of thinking can easily spiral out of control leaving parents feeling hopeless and unable to get the support they need. I think I definitely suffered from anxiety after becoming a mum. I sometimes tried to discuss this with my health visitor and midwife but I think they saw me coping with everything and told me I was a brilliant mum. I wanted to scream ‘but I’m not, I’m really struggling here!’  

In order to boost my confidence I entered a beauty pageant. Adding a bit of glamour to my life has given me something to look forward to amongst the tantrums and potty training. I’m currently Mrs Manchester Galaxy and will enter the Mrs Galaxy UK final this November. I do enjoy being a mother but it is nice to have a title other than Mum!

BECOMING MUM

Hello, my name is George and I am mummy to nearly two-year-old Reuben. After struggling to conceive for several years, in 2018 I found out I was expecting a baby – my husband and I were overjoyed and just over 9 months later we welcomed a beautiful baby boy into the world. Unfortunately, Reuben’s journey entering the world wasn’t so simple. I’m a very organised person and the birth plan was prepared at least a month before he was due, well you could’ve ripped that plan up as soon as I entered the labour ward. Being 10 days overdue I was induced and couldn’t have possibly foreseen what was yet to come. Every step of my labour and birthing experience was horrific, I ended up having an emergency c-section followed by several other medical issues. The vision I’d had in my head couldn’t have been further away from the truth and the reality of the situation which was never pre-empted resulted in a particularly stressful and challenging start to motherhood for me.

I struggled to connect with Reuben and the monumental life change, I loved him from the moment he was born but I couldn’t separate the birthing trauma and enjoy looking after this brand new baby who needed everything from me; love, support, comfort, food and all my strength – I drowned, very quickly and very deeply. Every time I thought about what had happened during birth (about 20 times a day) I had a panic attack and felt as though I was an outsider, a ghost, desperately trying to remember my old ‘self’ the ‘self’ who I was happy being and the ‘self’ who I was comfortable with. My old ‘self’ was gone, and I was there, feeling like I desperately wanted to leave. The darkest moments when Reuben had been crying non-stop, I was on my own with him and didn’t know how to make him stop, did make me feel like I wanted life to stop, full stop. I couldn’t at that stage tell anyone how bad it was due to the embarrassment and shame I felt – I’d failed in my eyes. My husband was supportive, but he had no idea I had postnatal depression and I was very good at hiding my feelings, inevitably this made the situation so much worse as I then felt isolated as well as depressed. I want other parents to understand (and I wish this was shared with me) these feelings are OK, these feelings are NORMAL – we don’t all start our journey into parenthood with total bliss, we don’t all have immediate unbreakable bonds with our children and fit straight into the new role seamlessly. It is the biggest mental and emotional change we are likely to go through in our lives, and as such it’s completely NORMAL to feel like you don’t know what to do, who you are or how to move forwards.

This is where my journey changed…I started to break the day up into 10 minute slots, rather than clock watching every second, until I knew my husband would walk through the door and I could run to the bathroom and lock myself away to briefly escape, every 10 minutes I’d have something else planned – it distracted me and it made me feel I was accomplishing something. It sounds like a lot of things to have to plan, to fill a day, but it’s really not. So, first thing in the morning, I’d allow myself 10 minutes with Reuben in the cot where he was safe (even if crying) and I would have a wash, brush my teeth, perhaps even find some clean clothes of my own, because of the 1,367 pieces of baby clothing that’d taken priority the day before and continue with the day…next 10 minutes I’d move on to something else like play time or sensory time or water fun…then I increased the time slots because some tasks took longer, so walking was more like an hour…you get the idea. It didn’t happen overnight, but it worked with time – I also recorded what made me feel good in a day, so I could re-visit this on a day where I was feeling particularly down. So, if I knew being outside with the baby in a carrier and walking for miles made me feel great (even for a small time) I was going to do that again. Also, having the baby in a carrier meant I had the freedom of doing ‘stuff’ for myself and freed me up mentally as well as physically. In retrospect, I really wish I’d been more open with how I was feeling – for those who recognise these types of feelings, please know you’re not alone and if you can, reach out to someone you trust be it a close friend, family member or Health Visitor. All these people are there to help and support you in any way they can. Please know having PND doesn’t make you in anyway a ‘bad’ parent, it makes you human.

It took around 18 months for me to feel fully myself again, but I truly believe with the right help this would’ve been much earlier. Lastly, another significant contributing factor to my recovery was…time, Reuben became more independent as time went on and I was able to make plans where I could be away from him for short periods of time and have real ‘me’ time. This could be as simple as a bath, but it made me feel well in myself. It was as though the scales were shifting and the more and more I used these tools, I added another piece back to the me puzzle. I am now fully recovered, I still have times where I want to hide away and am driven mad by the chaos of ‘mum life’ but I recognise the signs and if I need to take myself away or use the 10 minute rule to get out of that thought process, I do…and most importantly I speak out on how I’m feeling to those such as the support services at PANDAS Foundation.

Hi, I’m Kim, a mum to two boys; Isaac who is 4 and Seth who is 2. 

 It wasn’t and easy pregnancy with Seth. My waters broke at 30 weeks, and I was in and out of hospital for scans, checks and regular overnight stays. I was on antibiotics for this time to prevent infection and the plan was to be induced at 37 weeks, but at 35 weeks Seth was born at home on the bathroom floor after a quick, painful, unplanned and very traumatic birth (I was on my own with my eldest son for most of it). Seth was black, floppy and not breathing, I was in so much shock and was so scared. 

After what felt like a lifetime of rubbing his back he started to breathe. We then had to wait over an hour for the ambulance to arrive, there was nothing I could do but sit and wait, scared to move in case I haemorrhaged.

Seth spent some time in the NICU for severe jaundice . I felt so detached from him, like he wasn’t mine. I hid my feelings about all of this for a long time and still feel a lot of guilt and shame about his birth and the way I felt. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and PND and I am currently doing EMDR therapy which is very intense but seems to be working.

I’m going to be running the Virtual London Marathon for PANDAS and I’m really enjoying the training. It’s giving me something to focus on and helps to make me feel a bit better.

At 32 and in a happy, going-steady partnership, career sorted, this was the DREAM. I had visions of me doing glowy downward dogs and drinking green juice.

When I weed on the stick, that very day I stopped smoking and came off my anti-depressants. I was okay until week 6 when the hormones and withdrawal from amitriptyline and nicotine suddenly slammed me into the most mind-bending depression I’d ever experienced. Nausea and sickness hit with a vengeance and I started to become very dissociated. Within a week I was in so much mental and physical distress that thoughts of suicide and abortion rushed through my brain like darts, pinning me to the bed.

I could feel every single cell dividing, every ligament stretching, the deep ache in my marrow as my body attempted to give what it didn’t have.
I was meant to be happy.

This was what I’d always wanted. At 12 weeks, I drove to an emergency clinic and begged for medication. I was hysterical and wanted to cut the baby out of me so that it would all stop. I was told it wasn’t safe to take medication. I couldn’t find anyone or anywhere talking about antental depression. Every smell made me feel violated . I couldn’t walk around outside without feeling like the world was assaulting my senses. I couldn’t watch my TV. Couldn’t be in my bedroom which before had been my sanctuary. I couldn’t exist.

My baby shower was a pantomime. Every single thing around me made me want to die. Even when I finally got medication for the sickness and depression, I still felt like I was in a hallucinogenic sphere of disgust. When we talk about maternal mental health, it’s usually the postnatal part that affects women. But for me, the day after I gave birth, I felt like me again. The having a baby bit was a major relief compared to my body being borrowed.

My son is nearly six and as we approach IVF for our second baby, I’m scared of it happening again. This time around I’ve spent nearly a year weaning off the cigarettes and the medication I was on and upping the one that I’m “allowed” to stay on during pregnancy in the hope that it’ll soften the blow.
And this time around I won’t be posting smiley bump pics unless that’s how I really feel. I’ll share it here and in my therapy and I’ll try to ask for the help I need.

1) Please tell us a bit about yourself and your journey into parenthood

I knew ever since I was little that I wanted to be a mum. It was a running joke as I would talk about it often. As a young adult I made a pact that if I was single at 33 I would investigate sperm donors, and I was true to my word! However, when I did hit 33 we were in the midst of the credit crisis and having been employed all my working life by big corporates, I suddenly found myself unemployed. I waited some time, finding work again and securing myself financially before beginning my journey into parenthood. I’d had some partners, but none had worked out. So aged 38 I took the bull by the horns and went for it. I began with IUI (a treatment that involves inserting the sperm directly into the womb) but that didn’t work out. I had always assumed I would be really fertile, maybe because of my strong maternal desire, but following some tests, I discovered this wasn’t the case and that I was in fact running out of time. This news absolutely floored me, and I fell into a depression. I managed to pick myself up enough to begin my journey into IVF. After months of drugs, harvesting, tests, waiting times to see if it’d been successful, a failed first round with fresh embryos, and a lot of stress and apprehension, I found out I’d had success with my frozen emryos (FET)! I chose to have a blood test to check for, amongst other things, the sex of the baby. So at 11 weeks I found out I was having a baby girl. I was delighted but apprehensive throughout my pregnancy, as I was considered fairly high risk (I had low iron, hypertension and gestational diabetes etc…it felt like you name it, I had it!) It made it tough, but despite this I loved pregnancy.

2) Tell us about how you went about choosing a sperm donor

The fabulous clinic I attended had a small number of sourced donors and were able to offer me the choice of 11 potential matches. I was keen to have a UK based donor. The clinic meet each and every one of the donors and can recommended to their patients on those meetings. The rules changed some years ago now, so sperm donors can no longer be anonymous. My daughter will have the option to contact her donor when she turns 18, should she wish to. I did not have to accept the clinic’s suggested match, but I trusted them and did, though for some time I took the piece of paper with all the potential donor’s description on it with me everywhere, reviewing them constantly. I even spent a train journey discussing the options with a man I met on the train home!

3) What’s your favourite thing about being a parent?

I absolutely love the closeness between Tallulah and I. We always have each other, and because it’s just the two of us, our bond is so special and unique. When it’s good it’s simply amazing. Having her in my life has also given me a new sense of perspective. I no longer worry about things such as work as much. I know now what is truly important and I really value that life perspective.

4) What aspect of parenting do you find the toughest?

Solo parenting can be really tough. There is no break and it is relentless. Sometimes you just want someone to talk to about the things that come up…good and bad, and not having that can be very hard. It’s hard not having someone there to share the highs and the lows and someone with that shared sense of responsibility. I also feel that weight of responsibility heavily. If, for example, I was to lose my job, there is no one there to share the financial burden with, and that feels hard. Solo parenting by choice can also feel isolating. I have friends, for example, who get rest bite every other weekend while the kids see their other parent. I don’t get any of that. It’s hard when others say things like “I might as well be a single parent” when their partner is away a lot, because they don’t have any idea what it’s like to be in my position but I have a fantastic community around me who supports, me, though.

5) Can you give us an insight to any aspect of perinatal mental health issue that you’ve been through, and how you handled it?

I’ve suffered with depression on and off since I was a young adult but have always managed it with therapy and medication. When the IUI failed at the beginning of my journey it hit me super hard, and it was hard to pick myself up, but I did. I found it hard and isolating being in such an individual position. Sometimes others would try to help and empathise by saying things like “I know how you feel, I’ve been trying to get pregnant for a few months”, but they didn’t really. I had been on my journey alone and had had to manage many different drugs and procedures and didn’t have a partner going through it with me, so it felt like a totally different experience to them, which was hard to handle at times.

Once Tallulah was born it was tough managing the breastfeeding and sleep deprivation solo. I found the points where she was 6 weeks and 8 months old particularly challenging. I had a maternity nurse to help me and also a sleep consultant later on, which helped me no end. there were times when I felt at breaking point due to lack of sleep, and the anger and rage I felt through sheer exhaustion were very tricky to navigate. Thankfully I’m through that period now.

Like so many, I found lockdown incredibly tough. I have a full-time job and I had to cope with that whilst looking after my daughter. The juggle and feelings of guilt associated with that were very tough. My workplace was supportive, but it was still incredibly hard. I know my triggers and it felt like I was on the brink of a depression, so I sought medication and therapy early, which definitely helped me. I always want to make sure I’m fully present for my daughter, so it was super important to take steps early to prevent and potential mental health issues problems. I’ve also had EMDR therapy which was fantastic.

6) Have you been able to access the support you need?

Thankfully I had and have a whole online community of mums who know exactly what I went through and am going through now. It’s an online “solo mums by choice” community, and we are lifelines for each other, and nothing beats that. I was also lucky enough to have counselling offered by the fertility clinic I attended, which was great.

7) Do you have any advice for people who may be about to embark on a similar journey to you?

What I will say is that I have absolutely no regrets about my journey. I’m so happy that I have a child who is so incredibly loved and wanted.
My biggest piece of advice is simply to ask for help. I see so many barriers and stigma around getting help and support and that is so detrimental. As a solo parent it’s more important than ever that you seek avenues for help and support. The people that offer practical help are amazing, and make sure you take them up on it. If you can afford to pay for it, then do it. I hate this philosophy that we’re all immediately supposed to be parenting experts. Sometimes we don’t know what is best and need some extra expert help and advice, and that is ok. That extra support and advice can be the difference between just getting through parenting and actually enjoying it.

Songs of Love and Strength – The Mum Poem Press

“Finding a voice through poetry has been life changing for me in so many ways. It all started when I took part in a free writing class for new mothers called Mothership Writers which was advertised by the local maternal mental health charity Bluebell. I had been experiencing a relentless period of depression since the start of my second pregnancy, my son was two and half at the time, so life was passing me by in a blur. The course had seemed like a good opportunity to do something creative to help my mental health whilst also having some quality time with my new baby.

The break from every day life was a breath of fresh air, and although I still wasn’t quite in the head space for socialising, just being in a room full of mums listening and writing whilst their babies crawled or sucked felt so uplifting. Whenever someone built up the courage to read their words aloud the emotion in the room was palpable, everyone relating hard to every single piece. It basically felt like group therapy.

I wrote one or two poems in the class but mainly I just scribbled out some thoughts based on the exercises given, and the calming nature of this was incredibly affective. It took me a little while to get into the habit of writing regularly at home, especially when time is limited and the only time you do have is spent sleeping or staring at the tv drooling because all you want is to switch off and not be clawed at for a while.. But when I did manage to put pen to paper or finger to note app I would surprise myself by confessing to feelings I hadn’t even know were there, and finding words I had previously been unable to express to anyone out loud, which now flowed out of me like bleeding ink onto the page. And slowly I began to process those complex and unidentifiable emotions which come with antenatal or postnatal depression, not to mention the additional haunting guilt – feeling like less of a mother, wife, person, or like you should be happier or more excited when all you feel is the opposite. I was able to work through these feelings in my own time, and express them in a safe and secure environment, then given the opportunity to voice them in a supportive space during the classes (even if I didn’t actually read aloud very often).

After the course had ended, we were given the opportunity to have our words published on page, in an anthology – ‘Dispatches From New Motherhood’ written by the mothers on the course. My piece was about my depression and a moment of finding hope in a crowd, it was extremely liberating to write and I found such solace in others reading my words and commending them. I felt like I was rediscovering my identity again and enjoying a part of my life that wasn’t just being a mother.

Then the first lockdown happened, and life intensified again. My mental health deteriorated, and I had to find new strength to pick myself up again. I was looking after two children by myself all day, every day while my husband worked, so I was exhausted, but I found some pockets of time to write and stuck at it as much as I could.

It was then that I found the Mum Poem Press, like fate from the heavens Katharine arrived in my inbox, looking for submissions for their anthology. I decided to start an Instagram account for my work and tried out some poetry. At first I was unsure about whether I was doing it “right” but soon found my flow and realised that the rules of poetry can be fluid and not as rigid as I once thought. Then once I started following and sharing I found a network of other mums out there – other writing mums, other struggling mums, other depressed mums, other creative mums, mums who were honest, supportive and just such beautiful people that I became absolutely hooked to this online community, and I haven’t stopped writing since.

I try to do some every day, usually when I should be sleeping, which is why every single one of my Instagram posts is riddled with typos. I’m definitely not a poetry expert either, I don’t have any qualifications in literature, imagery does not come easily to me, and the thesaurus is my best friend. But I love it and I feel like I have found a voice I never knew I had.

The Mum Poem Press has given a voice to so many mums, and an honest window into motherhood for new mums and mothers-to-be everywhere. Pregnancy, birth and beyond can be a very mind-boggling time for women, and there is often a loss of your sense of identity, so writing creates such a powerful outlet to process those feelings creatively. Then following the extra workload and mental load that women have had to take on this past year I feel there is a general sense of needing to voice our feelings and experiences, to vent, and to be understood, which may not have felt prevalent before, but is now rising within us so intensely that there is no holding us back anymore. The movement of mums who write is here and we have written our thoughts and woes so beautifully it is impossible to ignore us.

I can now be grateful to my second child for taking me on this roller coaster journey of self-discovery, despite feeling like I have aged a thousand years because of it.. I have also found new ways to connect with myself and with other people. By reading other mum’s experiences, and writing and sharing my own, there is a sense of comradery and empowerment which truly keeps me going on the low days and keeps me writing on the dry days. Parenthood is a constant roller coaster and it will continue to be difficult on occasions, I will constantly be rediscovering who I am, but this all gives me some great material for writing, which I love almost as much as my children.”

1) Tell us a bit about yourself and your background

I’m Louis, I’m 27-years old and married to my wife of 5 years Alice. Together we have two beautiful children, Daisy who is nearly 2, and Amber who is 6 months old. When I don’t have my hands full with family life, I am a doctor currently training to be a GP. As a family, we love using our free time to get outside and explore new places, which has been made difficult by the current covid pandemic!

2) When did you first realise you may be experiencing issues to do with mental health?

I have suffered with anxiety since I was roughly 20 years old, although I didn’t realise this until a fair few years later when I hit a very low point during medical school. At this time, I sought help from my GP, underwent CBT, and thought that was my spell with mental illness largely sorted. However, during Alice’s pregnancy with Amber, I started to feel some of my symptoms of anxiety returning slowly. I became more anxious about the pregnancy and Alice’s health as we became pregnant rather quickly following Alice’s first c-section bringing Daisy into the world. In addition to being anxious about Alice’s health, I started to also feel guilty about having another child whilst Daisy was still so young and needing a lot of love and support from us. Giving her our undivided attention became more difficult with Alice’s pregnancy progressing and the ensuing covid pandemic.

This all came to a head when Alice went into labor with Amber around 2 weeks early. It was a difficult labor, and, in the end, we made the decision together to go for another c-section after trying natural labor. Amber was delivered successfully and healthily but I began to feel odd once Amber was handed to me. The obstetric team were taking longer than usual to finish the operation. I slowly started to see more senior doctors float into the operating theatre with more anesthetists and other members of the team coming in. Eventually, I was informed that Alice had suffered from a post-partum hemorrhage, losing 2 liters of blood, and they were trying everything to get it under control. This was particularly difficult for me as I remained in the operating theatre throughout, and I could see Alice was obviously not well. Not being able to do anything for her at this time was tough, but I focused on keeping our fresh new baby happy and well. Thankfully, surgery was successful, and we returned home with Amber five days later.

Unfortunately, upon coming home and being off on paternity leave, I started to feel my mood declining. Obviously, due to the newborn stage you will all recognise, I wasn’t sleeping well. But I was also finding it difficult to bond with Amber. I found it hard to balance the demands of both my children, whilst simultaneously trying to help Alice recover from a traumatic birth. When I returned to work the mental exhaustion of balancing even more became so stressful, I occasionally had thoughts of taking my own life.

3) What did you find the hardest part of your situation?

The hardest part I have found about this situation was feeling guilty and blaming myself for Alice being put in a position where she could have died during childbirth. I also felt due to her rough pregnancy I robbed her of enjoying Daisy growing up as a young toddler because she was also preoccupied with thoughts about the new baby coming. I also found the fleeting thoughts of not wanting to be alive anymore to be particularly troubling, especially when surrounded by family and friends who love me. Before these became deeper and more frequent, I decided to seek help.

4) How did you begin to find help and support?

Being a doctor myself and having experience with mental illness in the past, I think I was lucky to have insider information into what was happening to me. I had heard of postnatal depression before and knew it was something that could be managed. However, I had never heard of it happening to men before and so I was initially quite hesitant to seek help. Once I had had a few suicidal thoughts, I knew I needed to speak to someone. I started by opening up to Alice about my thoughts and how I felt. She encouraged me to talk to the GP and get some advice on the best course of action.

After speaking to my GP and having her explain how my feelings and thoughts were interlinked and likely due to what I had experienced with Amber’s birth, I started to feel more at ease. We discussed treatment options and agreed that, given the severity of my symptoms, it was best to try both medication and talking therapies. I have been taking medication for around 4 months now and can honestly say I do see a massive difference in myself. I have simultaneously been completing online CBT and I am soon to start sessions with an NHS counsellor to discuss my thoughts. I am feeling better and feel incredibly lucky to both have the insight gained from my medical career and having a GP who truly took time to listen to me and come to a joint decision on my treatment. The fact that I sought help early has helped ensure that my bond with Amber was never strained too detrimentally.

Unfortunately, I have only heard of PANDAS and the incredible work they do within the past month. I think if had I known of their existence earlier I would have made use of their helplines and resources, which could potentially have helped calm those early symptoms bubbling under the surface at the start of my journey.

5) Why do you think it’s important to share your story?

I think it is important to share my story so other fathers see that it is also possible for them to suffer from perinatal mental health issues. I want to bring awareness to this and show other men that there are places they can turn to for support if they have any of these symptoms or conditions. I also want to bring awareness more generally to perinatal mental health issues so all parents feel that they can be open with their experiences and feelings, eventually being able to seek help and support in whichever way they see fit. Sometimes low mood isn’t just the baby blues and it’s okay to admit that. I have such a lovely bond with Amber now and want for every parent to feel the love that I do for my gorgeous little girl.

Here we interview Illy about her life, her work, and being a mum

• Please tell us a bit about yourself 

I am 28 years old and am a mother, midwife, hypnobirthing teacher and birth debrief facilitator. I qualified as a midwife nearly four years ago, and started my page @Mixing.up.motherhood when I was in between jobs last March. 

• What’s your favourite thing about being a parent? 

I love watching her grow, I also love seeing myself grow, the experiences I have as mother shape me and also shape her, and I think that’s incredible. I wouldn’t change it for anything, and I recognise the privilege it is to mother. 

• What aspect of parenting do you find the toughest? 

The way it monopolises all of my time, I know that it is a normal part of parenting but sometimes the all-consuming nature of it can be very overwhelming. 

• Can you give us an insight to any aspect of perinatal mental health issue that you’ve been through, and how you handled it? 

I suffered with postnatal anxiety and extreme intrusive thoughts, the anxiety was to the point where I was struggling to sleep and was on edge basically all the time. The intrusive thoughts were pretty relentless as well. Over time I found ways to manage them, with the intrusive thoughts I would always reconcile the fact that I knew they were simply thoughts and not acts. Over time I became increasingly vocal about things that were bothering me which I found liberating and it was met with nothing but support. This is why I advocate so strongly for creating safe spaces where mothers can express their inner most feelings.                                                                                                  

• Were you able to access the support you needed? 

I was never offered the opportunity to debrief my daughter’s birth which I believe may have helped me to process things better. However, I did know what support was available and knew I could access it if I needed it. 

• Please tell us a little bit about your work

I left clinical midwifery last March and have since set up a birth debrief service. This is the opportunity for parents to unpack and explore their birth experiences, particularly ones they found traumatic in a safe space with an impartial, knowledgeable listening ear. I also teach hypnobirthing to expectant parents. 

• Do you have any advice for parents or parents to be at the beginning of their journey? 

Your journey is uniquely yours, with all its ups and downs and in betweens, it is yours and yours alone. Don’t compare it to someone else’s, don’t worry about if they are doing better or worse than you, you’re doing just fine, and comparison will only steal your joy.

The white hot, stomach churning, bone searing hot heat of rage that builds from the ground up until you think you might spontaneously combust with it.

Before having my daughter 15 months ago, I wouldn’t have described myself as an ‘angry’ person and I don’t think those close to me would have done either. That’s not to say I haven’t been angry prior to becoming a mother, more that it wouldn’t have been a defining character trait. Not a regular occurrence for me to want to break things or scream into a pillow until my throat’s hoarse and my lungs are burning.

Maternal rage and anger is a controversial topic, primarily I think, because angry women seems to be too. Sure, we can have an angry outburst or two on social media, as long as it’s funny; viral, meme-worthy female fury is acceptable but otherwise our rage should be restrained.

No, I’d like to talk about the rage that creeps steadily through your veins after you grow and birth a baby. The sort that simmers below your maternal surface, waiting to be unleashed on – yes, your husband/partner – but also on whoever wanders innocently into your blast zone.

My anger manifests itself at bedtime and usually after a back to back run of bad nights, where my daughter has woken every hour and can’t/won’t be resettled by anyone but me. The all-consuming and unconditional love she has for me begins to feel overwhelming and I want to claw my way out of my own skin. It is those evenings, when she’s finally asleep, that I feel ready to commit cold blooded murder. I am incandescent with fury. And that’s when I know – or have to be gently told by my husband – that I need a break.

I am just a mother, who needs to mother herself.

Because parenting (usually) demands much more of mothers; we are the home our babies return to every night and will keep returning to again and again, and again on their bad days. It is exhausting, back breaking – and yes, incomparably wonderful – WORK. And if you are a working mother, it is work on top of work.

What I’ve learnt in my first year of parenting (in lockdown, during a global pandemic) is that mothers NEED to look after ourselves and to be looked after. Self-care is not an Instagram visual. Time and space to breathe, sit in a quiet space, relax, decompress and reset is essential to our maternal mental health. For too long I’ve categorised the following as ‘self-care’: putting a wash on, hanging washing out, taking a 10 minute shower (alone), sleeping, washing and drying my hair, eating breakfast/lunch/dinner, making and drinking a hot cup of tea, cleaning, changing the bedsheets, watering the plants.

To be clear, these are not acts of self-care, these are either essential life skills or chores. None of which allow my body and mind to slow down and take the rest they so desperately need to be a good mother to my daughter. It doesn’t have to be a 3-hour spa day, just a 10-minute chance to take some deep breaths without worrying or caring for someone else.

So, the reason I wanted to talk about anger is to normalise it. I’m here to tell you that maternal anger and rage is normal. It’s not a meme, nor is it only acceptable when polished and made palatable for everyone else. It is raw and ugly and very very real. It’s also a sign that you’ve reached your limit. I am an expert at dodging my husband’s attempts to look after me and a pro at talking myself out of my own self-care advocacy.

What isn’t normal is not allowing women to experience the full range of human emotions, because that would imply we’re not considered human at all. Of course, all mothers are superhuman, but we also have our kryptonite and that is maternal overwhelm.

Fellow mothers, if you’re reading this: please, become an expert in your limits. Know them, plot them on the map of your mother-self and when you reach them…stop whatever it is you’re doing (safely) and ask for help. And know that you are normal. Rage and anger is normal.

Breathe, reset, repeat when needed. Mothers, it’s time to mother yourself.

I am 34, married to James, and have 2 children, Micah who is 4 years old and Faith who is 3 years old. I am a Christian and my faith is the most important thing to me. Before having children I trained and worked as a doctor, specialising in mental health. I love being involved with my local church, catching up with friends, baking, watching interesting movies, walking in the fresh air and drinking coffee!

2) When did you first realise you may be experiencing issues to do with mental health?

Looking back I had issues with my mental health from a young age, possibly from the age of 5. I developed anorexia as a teenager and during my university years but did not deal with it properly. I experienced severe anxiety and subsequent burnout when I was working as a doctor but I did not want to acknowledge it due to the mental health stigma within the medical profession, or my perception of it. I was therefore diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome which I realise now may have been burnout from my anxiety. I had a miscarriage diagnosed at my 12 week scan in August 2015 which I found really hard. I subsequently found out I was pregnant with Micah in November 2016. I was very anxious during the pregnancy but did not think much of it. Micah was born in August 2016 and I was desperate to breastfeed him. However, this was a massive exhausting struggle.

A few weeks after Micah was born I started experiencing awful intrusive thoughts. It felt like anything I did not want to think would come into my head. I started to become incredibly worried that I might hurt or abuse Micah and I would analyse situations over and over to reassure myself that I wasn’t an abusive mother. Nappy changes, feeding times and even holding Micah became really stressful as my mind would suggest that I might be holding him in an abusive way, or that extra wipe of his bottom was abusive, or that I tried to hurt him whilst feeding him. It got to the point where I would analyse even the memories of these situations to try to reassure myself. I had not heard of postnatal OCD but I searched on the internet and realised that this may be what I was experiencing but due to the intensity of my experiences I just wasn’t sure.

3) What did you find the hardest part of your situation?

It felt that I was in a nightmare and I was in a cycle of fear and guilt that I was constantly trying to get out of. It got to the point where I was so exhausted by the analysing that I was truly unsure of whether I was an abusive mother or not and believed that I may have tried to harm my son.

4) How did you begin to find help and support?

Because of the nature of my thoughts I felt unable to talk to health professionals. I talked to family who helped in the ways that they could but it did not stop my symptoms. I visited my GP but did not really disclose my thoughts as they were so awful. It wasn’t until a weigh-in clinic with the health visitors when the nursery nurse there asked how I was that I completely broke down and blurted out everything. I was assessed by a community mental health nurse who reassured me that there were no safeguarding issues. Over the subsequent weeks my illness took strange twists and turns, I spent some time in a mother and baby unit and also received excellent care from my community mental health team and perinatal mental health team. I also had brilliant support from friends and family and my church.
I wish I had known about PANDAS at the time as I think if I had known about them I would have found their telephone and email support service really helpful.

5) Why do you think it’s important to share your story?

I am really passionate about mental health. I had not heard of postnatal OCD prior to becoming unwell, despite having worked in mental health. I think that there should be greater awareness of this condition so that women who experience these terrifying symptoms realise that what they are experiencing is an illness and not a moral failure and so they are able to seek help as early as possible.

Hello, my name is Caroline and I live in South Devon – a beautiful part of the world! My Fiancee, Simon, and I have been together for a number of years and decided to start the exciting journey of trying for a baby and to become parents. In late 2017, we welcomed our little Girl and we feel incredibly lucky to have her in our lives. Being a parent is an amazing journey and experience – we all ride the adventure together and take each day as it comes, just enjoying the precious time we have together.

2. When did you first realise you may be experiencing issues to do with mental health?

When we discovered I was pregnant, our initial emotions were excitement, shock and nervousness! I became pregnant rather quickly and once the shock subsided, we were so happy and couldn’t wait to hold our baby in our arms. My pregnancy went very well and despite having severe morning sickness during the first trimester, I felt really well and healthy. The positivity from our scans really helped and I really looked after myself and our Baby Bump. My due date approached and as I was nearly 2 weeks late, I was induced at Hospital. After 3 days of extremely painful contractions and labour, our Beautiful little girl was born and we couldn’t be happier.

However, there were complications after her birth which were out of my control and when we arrived home, I became increasingly overwhelmed, severely anxious and severely depressed. The trauma of the birth and the circumstances following this, left me feeling isolated, empty, exhausted and helpless. Everything went black. I couldn’t eat, sleep and I had intrusive, even suicidal thoughts. I felt so ashamed to admit to anyone that I couldn’t even love or bond with my Daughter – I continued with the motions of being a parent, despite feeling so emotionally and physically drained inside.

3. What did you find the hardest part of your situation?

The hardest part of my situation was feeling like I was contained in a ‘glass bubble’. I describe it like this because I felt like I was the only person experiencing this trauma and although I wanted to reach out and share how I felt with those closest to me, I was convinced no-one could fully understand and wouldn’t validate how I was truly feeling. I was suffering with crippling anxiety and later  discovered that I had developed PTSD because of my situation – this manifested itself not just mentally, but also physically. I suffered with jitters, paranoia, dizziness and even suffered a panic attack at one stage. I genuinely felt like a prisoner in my own body and mind – I didn’t recognise myself and I felt like a shell of my old self, losing my identity and personality.

In addition, I feel strongly that societal constructs that romanticise what ‘parenting should look like’ made my parental shame and guilt 100 times worse; comparing how we parent and bring up our children to others, especially via platforms on social media and the mass media. This can produce triggers for anxiety and a vicious circle of guilt, shame, anger and anxiousness. The complexities of mental health illnesses vary in symptoms so drastically and when it came to caring for our little girl, this highlighted itself through OCD and routine. She was looked after extremely well despite my condition and with amazing help and support from family.

4. How did you begin to find help and support?

Three years on from the birth of our Daughter, I have started to feel like I am returning to my original self but it has been a very long and arduous journey – I like to call it a “spiritual awakening’. I was finally able to share with friends and family how I was feeling and their support has been incredible. Sharing these issues with those closest can provide an invaluable support cushion. Over the first lockdown I took medication which benefited me greatly, and I tried really hard to take each day as it comes – especially during these testing and uncertain times.

There has been a lot of soul searching, self reflection and the gradual introduction of mindful techniques to help me deal with daily anxiety and stresses. Life isn’t perfect and I still have bad days like everyone, but I have acquired an arsenal of weapons to help me find perspective and block those intrusive negative thoughts. We are all individuals in how we deal with stress and anxiety – some techniques that really help me include yoga, mindful breathing and escaping to some rare (& often elusive!) peace and quiet! Access to numerous Mental Health organisations and charities on social media also provided me with the positivity, motivation and encouragement to keep going and celebrate the small things. Life is to be celebrated and it is so short – we must appreciate it and remember how truly precious it is.

5. Why do you think it’s important to share your story?

I wanted to share my story as I am desperate to help other parents who are in this situation. No-one should feel unable to ask for help and should be able to share their feelings and worries without prejudice and judgement. There are conversations happening – voices are being heard and along with charities like PANDAS, we are all working hard to be present and be that support that people need. Postnatal Mental Health is so incredibly important and if we can unite and work together to create better understanding, we can learn to spread happiness, love – and most profoundly, even save lives.

Hi, I’m Stacey Cox, was the big 3-0 while pregnant this year! I work in mental health and am studying psychology with the O.U. which I finish next year! My beautiful daughter Georgina was born on 8th April 2020.

2. When did you first realise you may be experiencing issues to do with mental health?

I was pretty anxious throughout my pregnancy due to hyperemesis gravidarium causing me to be hospitalised 4 times for dehydration, but I knew I was becoming really unwell when we got home from hospital and my mood was just getting worse and worse and I started struggling to eat and get out of bed and I felt like I wasn’t bonding with Georgina.

3. What did you find the hardest part of your situation?

Definitely our birth! I won’t go into details, but we both nearly died. Also, attempting to breast feed after a traumatic C-section – giving up was the best decision I made!

4. How did you begin to find help and support?

I originally found support in the mental health midwife pre-birth and it was she who contacted the perinatal team and advocated for me when I wasn’t able to.

5. Why do you think it’s important to! share your story?

To show others that in pushing for support and having someone advocate for you in the really bad times is very very important! Without that support I don’t think I would be here today! And working in mental health as well, I know how very difficult it can be to get support, but it’s definitely 100% worth pushing for it!

1. Tell us a bit about yourself and your background

Hi, I’m Francine, I’m 35, I’ve been married for 15 years and am mum to two daughters – Juliette 4 and Georgia 2. I came to motherhood in my 30s after 10 years of trying to get pregnant. When I fell pregnant with Juliette, I was in the process of signing up to study for a Masters degree and looking into the possibility of adoption as we thought natural conception was not going to happen for us. There are two factors which made it difficult for us to conceive – firstly, I have PCOS which can make it difficult to conceive and secondly my husband had a very stressful job which he left a few months before we fell pregnant.

2. When did you first realise you may be experiencing issues to do with mental health?

My pregnancy with Juliette could have been stressful as I had gestational diabetes (GD), which meant weekly hospital appointments and multiple scans. When Juliette was born, I did struggle to adjust to life with a baby, as many people do. At this point my husband and I had been married for 10 years and were used to our single life. Don’t get me wrong, we weren’t flying all around the world living a crazy life, but after lots of work we were settled in our relationship.

I struggled with breastfeeding and managed to do 6 weeks before moving to formula – it was at this point I really started to get into a rhythm with my new baby and we went from strength to strength. When Juliette was 14 months old, we decided to try for another baby as we absolutely loved our life as parents. We decided to try quite early on as we were worried it would take years again – we fell pregnant straight away! Up to this point I was unaware that you were so fertile after childbirth.

Apart from the usual exhaustion, the pregnancy with Georgia was easier as I did not have GD this time around. Throughout the 9 months Garry and I didn’t talk much about our impending arrival and hardly prepared for her at all. Looking back this was when it all started to fall apart. When Georgia was born a week before Christmas, we were ill prepared, and guilt ridden. Both of us. Our thoughts were with Juliette and making sure her life was unaffected by the birth of her sister. This guilt consumed me.

3. What did you find the hardest part of your situation?

Immediately I felt the pressure of having two very demanding young children – a new-born and a 23-month-old. I hadn’t given a lot of thought to how that would play out in reality – I think it is impossible to know how big this adjustment would be. Although I have both my parents and my husband’s parents around me, they felt unable to support me, even though we both reached out on many occasions. I felt isolated, lonely and scared. In those first few months I changed – I became an angry person. The mother Juliette had had up to that point disappeared and I have many heart-breaking memories of situations where I was just not able to hold myself together.

At the time we were in the process of buying a house and moving from a two-bed rented terrace house. It was so important to us to move to a family home and we were sure that this would make everything easier. Needless to say, the stress of moving compounded my issues and one September afternoon, two months after moving to the new house, I found myself on the lounge floor unable to move with anxiety and fear. The prospect of looking after both my girls crippled me and I couldn’t move. Everything I was doing felt wrong which was a stark difference to how I had felt parenting one child. I call this my breakdown – I had never experienced anything like this. My husband came home from work early and took the girls from me.

4. How did you begin to find help and support?

After that day we decided I needed to seek help. I had been to the Drs a few months prior as I had struggled with keeping the children safe. They said I had mild PND and prescribed anti-depressants, but I was caught up in the stigma of this and not wanting to be on them indefinitely as I couldn’t see my situation getting better – I felt like life with two children was going to be like this forever. Foolishly, I felt that I could do this on my own. That September, however, we decided that it was better to take the anti-depressants as I could not carry on. I had been having suicidal thoughts and my belief was that the girls would be better off being looked after by someone else as I, their mother, could not keep them safe. I started taking the tablets straight away and by Christmas I could see a little straighter and was a bit more able to cope. It wasn’t an immediate fix, but it was a step in the right direction.

I was acutely aware that I needed to put a support network in place to be able to come off the anti-depressants but found this extremely difficult having absolutely no time to myself with two young children. I started asking around at the Doctors and in my community for PND support but was told there wasn’t any – even though this was only as recent as 2018 no one had heard of PANDAS where I live, in Kent. I carried on until December 2019 when I had the resources to pay for a counsellor and have only just managed to wean off my tablets. Counselling has been great for me as I can talk without judgement, shame or guilt about the things that I am struggling with and breakdown assumed stigmas over parenting. Finding a counsellor was a process in itself and I did originally return to a counsellor I had seen in the past who dealt with couples, however, this was not a good fit for the issues I was having at the current time – even though this counsellor knew me very well.

I sought out a counsellor who specialised in maternal mental health and this definitely made a huge difference. I have found with counselling that you might not find the perfect fit right away but if you keep trying you will find that person you click with – much like in any other relationship in life.

5. Why do you think it’s important to share your story?

Mental health awareness has come a long, long way since I was young, but the walls can only continue to be brought down if we share our stories. For me, sharing my story might help another person in my situation to feel OK. Being a mother can be a very isolating place – especially for those of us who have an introverted personality type. I have found from older generations there is a lot of judgment over what a mother should be, what a mother should do, what a mother looks like, how a mother behaves etc. Judgement in all factions of life is the most unhelpful behaviour – it achieves nothing and simply leaves the judged feeling like they are on the outside. Having a non-judgemental space to share your experiences is crucially important – if you are struggling, seek out a non-judgemental space wherever and however you can.

2. When did you first realise something wasn’t right with your mental health?
I had an inkling something wasn’t right when my eldest son was born, I didn’t feel a rush of love or overjoyed, I just felt absolutely terrified! Those first few weeks, I went through the motions, he was cared for, but still, I felt nothing. My mum had a wee word and said she felt like I wasn’t myself and it seemed like more than “baby blues”. There was lots of tears and hugs but with the support of my village I engaged with my health visitor and the GP and began getting support. I was and still am medicated, for both depression and anxiety. I knew with my next two births, it would worsen and it did, but I was more prepared. I felt able to be honest and open about how I was feeling and knew to get help.

3. What’s the hardest part of your situation?
The hardest part of my situation is the guilt and the realisation that life wasn’t going to be what I’d imagined or expected. I’m not an always happy mum, I’m not full of patience, sometimes I shout or overreact, I find being a mum hard most days. I constantly feel guilty for the things I’m not, I second guess and overthink everything and most days I feel like I’m doing everything wrong, like I’m a drain on my family. I find taking my medication difficult, I’d love for my brain to be “normal” and to function “normally” without chemical help.

4. How did you begin to find help and support?
As I’ve said before, I’m very lucky and grateful to have an amazing support system. My husband and mum especially, I’m not sure I’d be here without them, but they know how to give tough love as well. The health visitor and GP were my first port of call, but I hadn’t realised how much support there was online. PANDAS helped me by providing somewhere I could go and read, chat if I needed to and reassured me that I wasn’t alone. I also hadn’t realised how “normal’ I actually was and speaking to my friends that also had children made me realise that we really are all in this together.

5. Why is it important to share your story?

I wanted to share my story to normalise pre and post-natal mental health issues. If my story makes even one person think “that sounds just like me” and they feel less alone, I’ll be happy. Parenthood is a lonely place to be and I can guarantee that most of us feel the same. We need to be honest and open with how we’re feeling, it’s important to get the support, it’s important to make time for yourself and to remember your an individual, an important one, not just “a mum”. It is so important to look after ourselves and each other. Don’t be afraid to admit how you’re feeling, reach out to your friends, they may need you just as much as you need them, don’t let yourself be alone or struggle, the help is out there, please use it.