Sarah’s Story

In this heartfelt article, Sarah tells her journey of those tough early days of parenting, including her experience of postnatal depression and anxiety. It’s such a thoughtful and poignant piece, and we’re so very grateful to Sarah for writing it.

TRIGGER WARNING – this article contains themes of PND, severe anxiety, and intrusive thoughts. Please do consider this before reading further. Thank you

“In April 2021 I had my first child – a beautiful baby boy. He’s now almost 5 months old and brings me so much joy. I can’t remember my life without him around. His smile, his funny ways, even how he curls his bottom lip when he cries, all make me love him more and more each day. I start my story at the end because back in the first month after he was born, I could never have imagined feeling how I do now.

I suffered an episode of acute postnatal anxiety and depression which affected me physically, mentally and emotionally to the extent that I wasn’t able to look after my son until I was well again myself. I feel well now, and although anxiety is something that I have to accept as a part of my highly sensitive personality, I know for certain that I will always be able to be a fantastic mum. I have that confidence now, after a relatively short period of illness, in part, due to PANDAS.

Although I’ve always had some situational and social anxiety, and have been through a couple of particularly bad patches, I honestly didn’t see this coming. The pandemic has been a scary experience for all of us and as a teacher I was on the front line. However, real worries are different to anxiety and I pushed through those challenges without too much stress. Having a baby was part of our plan and we decided to stick to it despite the restrictions.

My pregnancy was relatively straightforward without much sickness or other ailments to struggle through. The birth was pretty easy too – a planned C-section due to my son being breech. We were booked into hospital the day before our due date. We waited patiently all morning, watching Line of Duty to keep us distracted while other couples went into theatre. Then, just before midday, our little boy arrived screaming at the top of his lungs, and we were elated. He was just perfect.

The first two weeks went by in a flash as we got to grips with all the usual stuff. Trying to dress him without trapping his tiny fingers in the sleeves, making sure he burped after each feed or regretting it later, inspecting every bowl movement for its colour and texture. My husband returned to work after his all too short paternity leave and I began the journey of taking care of the baby myself during the day. It soon became clear that having had a c-section, I wasn’t recovered enough to manage and I called upon my mum and mother-in-law for help day to day. I couldn’t have got through the sleep deprivation and constant treadmill without them. In fact, even with their support I still began to struggle and I knew something wasn’t right. I just didn’t feel like a mum. I was surprised by that as I couldn’t have been better prepared. I took the antenatal classes, read the books, chatted to friends and family. I even had some experience taking care of nieces and nephews. Yet I still felt completely lost and overwhelmed.

The sleep deprivation was as tortuous as I had expected. We had trouble breastfeeding from day one for a few different reasons, meaning I was attempting to breastfeed, express and top up with formula every three hours. I did nothing but feed, sterilise and change nappies. I know my story is far from unique. Most new parents have to endure these challenges for the first few weeks and I had known it would be tough, but there were some things I didn’t know I’d have to face. My hormones were raging making me tearful and causing night sweats which I hadn’t been warned about and didn’t understand when they were happening. I was taking painkillers every two hours for my c-section and felt too exhausted to eat properly. Breastfeeding was painful too; not being able to feed your child is crushing. On top of that, I hadn’t had the opportunity for a natural birth. I felt totally inadequate.

There was no time to stop and think. To reflect on what was going well and what we could change. All I knew was that my feelings were all muddled and I was sure this wasn’t how things were supposed to be. I am a natural rule follower and couldn’t think about deviating from the instructions on the formula box or the guidance on safe sleep, and was constantly attempting to work out what his needs were before the crying started. I was perpetually on edge every time he made a strange sound at night in case there was something wrong. By the end of week 3 I had stopped being able to sleep altogether and the tightness in my chest I’ve felt before started surfacing. I’ve studied mindfulness and had a course of CBT in the past so knew what self-help strategies to implement but I got worse not better. It was too late to stop the tidal wave which was about to hit me. Perseverance had turned into burnout and my deteriorating physical and mental health began to have serious implications for me and my child.

After 4 nights of insomnia I was very unwell. I couldn’t eat anything and had begun to catastrophise with anxiety attacks surfacing about every hour. In fact, upon looking up the classic symptoms of postnatal depression on the NHS website, I had every single symptom. Looking back now, I can see how the normal worries which are appropriate when having a newborn, had escalated and taken over to the extent that I lost all perspective. No matter what reassurance my family gave me, I found excuses for why their optimism was misplaced and why something bad was inevitably going to happen. My biggest fear was that everyone must be feeling as fearful as me, and I feared what would happen if my husband, and my mum and my mother-in-law couldn’t cope either. I felt so physically wretched that I swayed between inconsolable emotion and numbness. I was afraid of everything including my son to the extent that I couldn’t even bear to look at him. It pains me to say that now, but my mind had been overwhelmed and my negative thoughts were lying to me. My ultimate fear of not being able to cope was self-fulfilling and I ended up living my nightmare.

I should say that my baby was never in any danger. He was well cared for by my family and thankfully I never descended into the darkest of thoughts. I just wanted the anxiety to go away so I could get on with enjoying life as a new mum. Of course we contacted my GP and midwife team and health visitor, all of whom recognised my symptoms immediately and offered help. However nothing in the NHS can be put in place instantly and the specialist support I needed was going to take a few days to materialise. In the meantime, I was told about PANDAS’ helpline and it was my mum who made the call to them on my behalf. It changed everything for me. Jessica listened while we explained my situation and her words were filled with sympathy and kindness. She never questioned my perception of my reality. She didn’t attempt to dismiss my feelings or solve my problems. She listened and comforted and reassured. In all honesty all I could manage at that time was to let her soothing voice wash over me but for that half an hour, everything felt just a little bit lighter. She followed up our conversation with an email full of further support and advice which made me feel like I mattered to her and that she was doing something actively to help me. From there, I began the journey back to myself.

I haven’t called PANDAS again since that day but I have used the resources on their website. I was given professional support through my GP which has included medication and have recently begun a course of counselling. Becoming a parent for the first time is bound to be challenging but I had underestimated the physical and mental changes my body would go through to ensure my baby would survive the first few weeks. The fourth trimester is a transitional period for both mum and baby. Hormones are powerful, as is a mothers’ love and while both are meant to strengthen the bond with the new baby, sometimes something misfires in the brain and those positives boil over and become unhelpful. I had many friends and family messaging me in those first weeks and I now realise that the ones who made most effort to stay in touch were all new or recent parents themselves. That reassured me as without me even telling them, they knew what I was going through. Those people probably don’t realise how much their small acts of kindness mattered. Or maybe they do, after all that’s why they made the effort to keep an eye on me.

In my other life I’m a secondary school teacher and freelance writer. Whilst it’s a challenging job, I think nothing of managing the individual needs and workload of 300 students a week and yet one tiny human turned my life upside down. I was told by Jessica that the experience I had is not unusual in professionals. It’s particularly frightening to go from being the master of one’s craft, managing a busy schedule with tough responsibilities, to a situation where you know nothing, constantly get things wrong and have no idea what’s coming next.

If I’m honest I still have moments where I don’t feel like a mum. I feel like the same person I always was, it’s just that I have new priorities now. I love my son and am enjoying my time with him so much. I know that the bond we have together is special and one that no one else can replicate. Now he’s close to half a year old and I can honestly say I want time to slow down so I can treasure these weeks while he’s small as I know they won’t last forever. I still get anxious but that’s ok. It’s true that nothing is permanent. All feelings and experiences, good or bad, are temporary.

If you’re an imminent or new parent reading this, I want you to know that you’re doing a fantastic thing. Parenting is challenging but I truly believe in the philosophy that it takes a village to raise a child. The best advice I can give is to accept any help offered and reach out for more if you need it. I had no idea that perinatal mental health teams or charities like PANDAS existed before my son came along and I’m very glad they do. Thank you to all the volunteers at PANDAS for what you do. It really is life-changing work and my family are very grateful you were there when we needed you.”