Interview with Peter 

Next up it’s a fascinating interview with the brilliant Peter McGraith. We absolutely loved finding out more about Peter…his life, his activism and his family life with his husband and 2 kids. We hope you enjoy the interview as much as we did! 

1 Tell us a bit about yourself and your background.

I am a writer, designer and activist. I have worked in fashion and theatre, and have done all sorts of things in the media, usually related to sexuality. Since the emergence of HIV in the UK, I was involved in the gay community’s response to the epidemic and in the push for LGBT rights. I’m fifty-six now, and as Scottish as ever, having lived most of my adult life in London with my partner David, who is a gorgeous, smart Pacific Islander. Back in late 2004, we first approached an adoption agency about the possibility of becoming parents. This was before the Adoption and Children Act 2002 came into force in 2005, allowing both partners in lesbian and gay couples to adopt joint. Our children finally moved in with us in early 2008. They are now nineteen and sixteen years old.

2 Tell us about your work in the adoptive and LGBTQ parents and carer communities.

I was a co-founder of the first UK-wide network of LGBT+ adopters and foster carers, which became the charity New Family Social. While we were primarily a peer support network for the benefit of us and our children, I made it my mission to develop the outward facing side of the organisation, dealing with media requests for interviewees and case studies, designing and delivering training for social work practitioners and adoption panel members, and selling the merits of our group to adoption agencies. I wrote our protocols for media engagement, prepared group members to deal with interviews and supported them to think through how this might affect their families. I was also engaged in influencing the research agenda.

Knowing a critical mass of LGBT parents and would-be parents allowed me to spot emerging trends in the way the adoption system regarded us and treated us. I identified how we, as a new resource for adoption agencies, represented a distinct cohort of prospective carers with different characteristics from heterosexual adopters. We were generally more open to adopting sibling groups and older children. We were more open than heterosexual adopters to contact with biological siblings and birth families. Gay and lesbian adopters in couples were more likely to be of mixed ethnic, religious and cultural backgrounds than heterosexual prospective adopters. We were more likely to have chosen adoption as a first choice, and far less likely to have come to adoption after miscarriage, still birth or fertility problems. Rather than this being only about asking for fair treatment for LGBT prospective adopters, I developed the idea, backed up with evidence, that there were positive differences about us as a group and that adoption agencies should develop cultural competency with LGBT people so as to take advantage of this new resource, in the interests of children waiting for permanent placements. My short-hand measure of whether adoption by gay men and lesbians was good for kids was the noticeably lower rate of placement breakdowns among gay and lesbian-parented adoptive families.

3 If you could give a younger gay man any advice, before he becomes a parent, what would you say?

When David and I became parents, I was already in my forties, by which time it seemed clear that most people’s parenting advice was based on their own challenges or regrets. I think we learn most from our own experiences, ultimately, so knowing yourself and being honest with yourself is important. With that said, even if you are sure that having children is a priority for you, I would advise any young LGB or T person not to jump into parenting at an early age. Ditto marriage. Being queer gives you a greater impetus or opportunity to develop your own values, outside of restrictive notions about gender, sexual morality, respectability and so on, distinct from the values of your family or any religious group. I would recommend throwing yourself into supportive networks, possibly related to your work passions, hobbies, sport or politics. Think, study, learn, give yourself time and experiences to blossom. Travel, start a business, stretch yourself, dance, have some really great sex with some hot and interesting people and do not give up living life to the fullest before you have even matured into adulthood. It’s not about getting it all out of your system before settling down for parenthood, it’s about knowing who you are and what you need and want in life.

4 Do people make assumptions about LGBTQ+ parents? What are they?

Children need stability, love and care, fun and freedom, consistent boundaries, and a sense of belonging. They do not need to be brought up by a married heterosexual couple who are their biological parents. However, if you ask a child to draw a family, she might draw a ‘mum’ with long hair that flicks out at the ends, beside a slightly taller ‘dad’ of the same colour, with a son, and a daughter wearing a triangular dress. This is likely to be the case even if the child doing the drawing has a single parent, or a blended family with parents and stepparents, or a mixed heritage, multi-generational family, or a gay-parented adoptive family that has regular contact with numerous half-siblings and their families. That’s the archetype of ‘the family’. I think there’s still a vague assumption that the attributes and values of families that are configured differently are not as valid as those of married heterosexual couples. The further we diverge from the archetype, the harder it is for others to see us as real families.

Remember, right up until 2003, Section 28, prohibited local authorities from promoting “the acceptability of homosexuality as a pretended family relationship”. In Northern Ireland, gay men and lesbians only gained the legal opportunity to apply to be assessed to adopt children in 2013. Five years later, only two couples had been matched with children.

I recall a gay male adoptive parent stating his view that children in the adoption process should, ideally, be matched with a new mum and a dad. I know lesbian adopters who used to think that gay men, by dint of being men, could not bring up children successfully. It’s not only homophobes and transphobes who make problematic assumptions related to LGBTQ+ parenting.

It’s important to say that I and many other LGB and T parents match a lot of queer stereotypes, and that’s fine, of course, but this can be used against us in the adoption process.

Stephen Fry, the polymath and entertainer, made me wince, in his otherwise commendable 2013 documentary Out There, when he downplayed the prevalence and rightness of anal sex among gay men. He ranted to an anti-gay Ugandan pastor, “I’m not interested in anuses…  It’s about love…  You’re just so perverted.  You’re so sick…  I’ve never had it.  Never.  Most gays don’t…  We use intercrural sex”.  As a happy, wholesome assoholic, I was aghast. Celibates, anal abstentionists, apologists and people who have had little sex deserve their voice, but when campaigning for sexual minorities’ rights, the messenger and the message matter. We need insightful, articulate voices that are sex-positive.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of de-gayed ‘diversity champions’ out there, hell-bent on debunking supposed myths about us that are actually more true than false. The problem is not stereotypes, per se, but how stereotypes are incorrectly or judgmentally applied to any individual.

There’s an assumption that gay and lesbian parents aspire to assimilate into heteronormativity and small ‘c’ conservatism. I don’t. It is almost assumed that heterosexuals will have children and that we have no natural ownership of the idea of family.

There’s the assumption that working class people, rural communities, Muslims, Catholics, people from ethnic minorities and various other groupings will be hostile to adoptive families parented by LGB and T people. I know where these attitudes come from, but that’s not been our experience at all in our children’s schools and in our neighbourhood. Adopters are seen as brave and altruistic, even if that’s not the whole story, and gay men with kids seem to have some social cachet.

5 Gender roles and parenting/families always seems to be a hot topic in the media – why do you think that is, and do you think that has an effect on parents and families?

Is it because our culture treats children so differently depending on their sex? Since the Nineties, the sparkly pink juggernaut of girly materialism has been out of control, and, bizarrely, it seems that women are driving it. Play weapons, macho camo and bad-boy rap for the little men. I grew up during the late Sixties into Seventies era of unisex fashion, then Eighties androgyny. Hippies, glam rockers, punks, the New Romantics and then gender-benders. At the same time, I lived with homophobia, religious sectarianism, and misogyny. Gender neutral clothing and hairstyles were fine but overt gender non-conformity was seen as a threat, unless it was drag, served up as mainstream entertainment.

I often use the descriptors ‘person’, ‘parent’, and ‘partner’ for myself, rather than ‘man’, ‘father’, and ‘husband’. I don’t like the ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ words for all sorts of reasons. We all could be so much more aware of how we use language, though people’s intentions and sentiments are what really matter. The use of ‘mothering’ and ‘fathering’ I find particularly divisive. In practice, still, it is the female parents in heterosexual couples who do most of the direct work involved in bringing up children. They may impose structure, routine and boundaries, oversee homework and manage budgets, as well as doing the cooking and cleaning. Being a female parent has never been exclusively about nurturing and caring, whether or not the woman also has paid work. The word ‘fathering’ means getting someone pregnant, and, so, given that most of us want a new order in domestic affairs. why should all the rest of parenting be lumped under ‘mothering’? Such language supports attitudes and outcomes that are not good for men, women, children or society. I also dislike the use or misuse of ‘same-sex parents’ as it suggests that lesbian and gay parents are all in two parent households, and it allows people to avoid having to ever use the word lesbian.

On gendered role models, I find the notion that a boy’s adoptive lesbian mothers can’t provide him with a range of role models, from their friendship network that is made up almost entirely of lesbians, is specious. Firstly, as parents, we do not get to select our children’s role models for them, try as we might. We sometimes pick our personal role models specifically because they eschew attitudes that our family or our faith group tried to inculcate in us. Secondly, we tend to latch onto our role models for their qualities such as heroism, modesty, humour, originality, intelligence or style, or because of their actions and achievements, regardless of their gender.

A rigid adherence to unnecessary gender roles shapes our opportunities, friendships, career choices, intimate relationships, the division of domestic labour and caring responsibilities. Most gay and lesbian couples have been asked the crass question, “Who is the mother and who is the father in the household?”

 Journalists and producers like a story that is new and contentious. I used to do loads of radio debates that focused on matters such as gender role models in LGBT parenting, often followed by public phone-ins. Views were polarized, at first, but, gradually, the fearful, negative reactions softened with the drip, drip exposure to media coverage of these issues.

6 What part of your activism work are you most passionate about?

I remain passionate about promoting sexual emancipation and supporting the rights of sexual minorities all over the world, which includes prostitutes and HIV+ people, trans people and those sexually and romantically attracted to trans people (a sizeable but fairly silent sub-set whom I consider to be among the ‘Q+’). Activism is or should be about living our day to day lives in ways that seek to change the world, rather than waiting for legal or social permission. All of our disparate efforts add up to something. I get satisfaction when I can make a direct difference on an issue, or for an individual or family, by resolving a problem or sparking someone’s sense of empowerment. I was glad to help advance the public debate and social work practice in Northern Ireland ahead of gay and lesbian couples and single people gaining adoption rights, there, in 2013.

Trans people are dehumanized by outrageous scaremongering and I am hugely inspired by some transgender people I have known. I identify as part of a global community of sexual minorities and I am fortunate to be able to speak publicly, so I do. I remain an advocate of adoption and fostering for children who need it, but I would never push anyone towards choosing parenthood or any particular route to family life. We don’t need to have children to be valued members of communities and families. I am quietly proud of persisting with my passions and principles while dealing with the demands of being an adoptive parent.

7 Do you have any advice for parents who may be struggling right now with their mental health?

That’s a tough question because my partner and I have friends with various enduring mental health and addiction problems and people close to us have taken their own lives, and while my approach is to be available, supportive and non-judgmental, I’ve certainly never been able to take away their problems. I try to provide constancy and emotional availability and reliability. I make it plain that it’s okay to turn up at my door.

I have enjoyed an optimistic outlook, good mental and physical health and stable relationships with friends and family, and yet I know that when I am low or stressed, I tend to avoid speaking to those whose emotional support or practical input might help me.

Use professional resources that are available through school, adoption teams, your GP, CAMHS and so on. My advice is be kind to yourself and others; try to be fit, healthy, active and open to change. Don’t ignore indicators of things that are burdening your child. Give them confidence that you will always love and care for them. Get them out into nature and meeting other kids and adult friends in real life. Socialise, eat and play as a family. Don’t miss small opportunities to connect with people whose company you find positive and helpful. Good relationships need work over the years, so don’t neglect them when your mental health is better.